Movies that robbed me of hours of my life: 30 Days of Night.
Serafini here, continuing my study of Halloween-style films to get your fur all a rising. This episode’s experiment was 2007’s 30 Days of Night. I was looking forward to this for a few scares. I wish I could say it was great. Hell, I wish I could say it was good. Watching it felt more like 30 Days of My Life.
What’s It About?: Every year the town of Barrow, Alaska the northern most town in the United States experiences, um, 30 days of night. Many townspeople leave because they can’t handle it. Those that remain pride themselves on their thick skin. A Renfield-type character shows up as a harbinger of the carnage to come. Shortly thereafter, a horde of UV light-phobic vampires descend upon the snowy outpost town after coming to the conclusion that, once cut off from the world, Barrow would serve as a month-long buffet orgy of blood. And it took them centuries to realize this. Carnage ensues in a way that makes CGI geeks all weak in the knees.
The film breaks down into the age-old format of pitting a group of survivors we don’t care about against either one monster (Alien) or several (um, Aliens)and slamming popcorn while the factions duke it out.
The setting and even some of the initial story set up is reminiscent of Outpost 31 in John Carpenter’s masterwork, The Thing (yes, I said masterwork. Because it is.) Then it all falls apart.
Who’s In It?: The group we got stuck with is led by the Sheriff (Josh Hartnett) and is estranged wife (Melissa George) who take charge by constantly trying to figure out where to go and what to do. At first the group tries to figure out who the invaders are. The next question that comes up again and again is how to kill them since they seem to be invulnerable to everything (except cutting them in half with heavy equipment, running them over, crushing them, getting a clean head shot or decapitating them with an axe). Despite all that, they never seem to definitively settle on a method. The second great hole in the film comes when the Sheriff goes into action and proclaims to his band of bug-hunt fodder, “We have two things going for us here, we know the town and we have the cold. We live up here because no one else can.” These two strategic revelations never figure into the film again. The vampires seem to have no problems with navigation and most are dressed for spring casual, sundresses and all while our heroes are lumbering about in parkas.
Now let’s talk about the vampires. They look like rejects from a Euro electronic band with their leader, played by Danny Huston constantly spouting either A. the obvious or B. philosophical clichés as if to let the audience know the older guy in the business casual is the old and wizened leader. Though they understand English, their spoken language seems a jarring mix of Klingon and a fax machine. The subtitles are a great help since you don’t want to miss any of the self absorbed gems uttered by the leader.
Why It Sucked: I could go on all day about this but I will leave it at the climax without spoiling the action for you. I really wanted to see some kind of great finish here. The Sherriff and his band of dwindling survivors have endured the entire month of carnage. All they have to do is wait it out an hour or two and the sun comes up. The vampires up the ante by taking a particular course of action that could have been countered by countless measures. Instead, the Sherriff chooses the dumbest one he could come up with and uses it to a predictable and incomplete extent.
In Summary: If you don’t care much for a strong script and a tight plot and if you like your vampires toothy and numerous and you blood copiously flowing then this one is for you. There is nothing atmospheric or chilling here, it’s an out and out modern gore-fest. I’d go so far as to say you could watch it with the sound off and you’ll still love it.
What Can It be Compared To: It wants desperately to be The Thing or 28 Days Later. Not as gratuitous as Saw.
What’s a Polar Opposite?: Anything with a plot that makes sense within the world of the story.
Though this film did a good box office and the reviews were much better than mine, I’d still set the Lame-o-meter on High.
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