True Blood For True Brooklynites

A re-imagined scene from True Blood: Instead of the slow, drippy, humid south with their sultry, syrupy accents that drip like beads of sweat off the rippling musculature of Eric’s chest, imagine if you will the HBO chick-porn-lite series taking place in a more genteel locale. Bensonhurst, say…

EXT: NIGHT THE SIDE ALLEY OFF THE MAIN AVENUE. FRANKLIN is terrorizing TARA who is begging for death. He has her up against a wall with his hands at her throat. Her heart is thumping like a hammer in her chest. FRANKLIN is unsure about his decision to kill her. JASON appears behind them brandishing a shotgun.

JASON: OHHHHH, (pronounced like a long o sound) get the f**k outta here.

FRANKLIN: Ohhhhh, this is a private conversation. You get the f**k outta here.

JASON: No, you get the f**k outta here. I got a shotgun.

FRANKLIN: No, you get the f**k outta here.

JASON: No, you get the f**k outta here.

FRANKLIN: No, you get the f**k outta here.

JASON: No, yougetdaf*kouddaheeeere

FRANKLIN: No, yougetdaf**kouddaheeeere. Are you a f**king idiot or something? You gonna f**king shoot me or something? You want me to stick that up your f**ing ass? I’m a f**king vampire. I can live for f**king ever and turn into a f**king bat and fly around and scare the s**t outta girls and s**t. You could f**king shoot me with all two hundred f**king bullets in dat gun and nothing would ever ha –

JASON FIRES ONCE: BANG! FRANKLIN explodes in a messy splash of blood and liquefied entrails that bathe TARA and surroundings in newly truly dead Vampire.

JASON: And you turn into a hunk a s**t that’s what! You turn into a f**king hunk a s**t. You know why? Huh? HUH? Cos I got f**king wooden f**king bullets, that’s why. That’s right! Wooden. F**king. Bullets. I got f**king wood, ahhhhahahahahaha!!!! An now you got f**king wood! Yeah!

TARA, astonished at her good fortune runs to JASON and collapses in his arms.

JASON: Ohhhhh, get the f**k outta here, I got wooden f**king bullets. Ha. Yeah. Wood.