New York City: $103.50, Tom: $0.00

You know those days when you are so hungry that you find yourself doubled over in a kind of nauseating pain. It's the kind of pain that defies logic because you feel like you want to vomit but your stomach is quite empty. That's what I was walking around with all morning yesterday. It made me irritable, impatient and prone to fits of uncomfortable singing…

I had a job downtown that would permit me just enough time to grab a roll-o-sushi at one of those Asian Everything markets near Union Square and eat it on the train back up to work. I was so hungry that this little rolled up bit of rice, avocado and imitation crabmeat looked like a Porterhouse steak. I couldn't wait to get this hot little number alone.

NOTE: As a cheap date, I am equal to none.

I happily skipped up Broadway toward Union Square like a ten year old who just got kissed by the cute girl who started growing breasts. As I passed Forbidden Planet, a popular comic store, my eye caught a few goodies in the window. This being the season, I figured I'd start on my list.

Q: Do I look like a thief to you? Do I look like the kind of guy who would pilfer Geek Porn? I was stopped by the hipster slacker security force-of-one who insisted I check my bag at the door. I like to be cooperative but when it comes to strangers handling my food, I get a bit touchy. I gave in because I wanted to see if they had that new Kirk action figure rumored to be in residence but I did so under protest. I made my list and proceeded to reclaim my lunch, hang on baby, papa's comin'.

Here's where it gets good. I should have grabbed the bag by the handles but in my haste I just palmed it from the bottom like I was holding a stack of books secretly greased with butter. As I made for the door the phone rang. With my free hand I answer and press my shoulder to the door - which doesn't move.

SLOW MOTION HOLLYWOOD EFFECT: The door doesn't move, I slam and collapse into it like a crumpling piece of paper, the phone snaps shut in my face and my precious lunch goes momentarily airborne and slams into the grimy wood floor.

MY GOD, THEY LOOK LIKE ANTS IN SNOW CAMMO FROM UP HERE! Um, no, that's lots of rice on the floor, Captain. And little bits of imitation crab. I glared at the slouchy bag check guy who turned so fast you'd think a parade of naked Rockettes kicked on by.

I was now furious. Blood-in-my-eye-want-a-human-sacrifice-they-cancelled-Star-Trek-again furious. Now, I can take a lot of things, suffer many indignities, deal with many a personal injustice but I can not take someone messing with my food. I drew my umbrella, ready for blood but since there were children around composed myself. I had no choice but to leave. So I did. And I left the mess for them. I continued up Broadway with my stomach in a knot. I was hungry and out $3.50. I hate that. Two things I hate most; wasting food and wasting money. And reality TV. The phone rings again, it's Trace. I'm straining to hear her through the stuttering signal. All I hear is bits of digital flotsam; "I'm….bip…leep…bop…hayep…you." I think she's at the subway – or ordering a subway, or ran into Hemmingway. I try to tell her lunch is waiting for her in Forbidden Planet's new cafeteria but she can't hear me either. In the middle of New York City in the United States of America in the year 2008, I am on a piece of crappy technology that can't keep it up long enough for me to get directions. I was so intensely concentrating on listening that I failed to notice that I was standing in the middle of 14^th street – against the light. I looked up to see the front end of a bus growing larger in my field of vision. Just as I was about to scream into the phone for help I heard the distinct chime that says, "Call dropped" . "Beedlyeoop."

THE SCENE: Me, hunched and wide eyed in the middle of the street clutching a dead phone, bus bearing down on me, furious, confused and hungry…..

Knowing I was about to die under the wheels of the MTA's finest, knowing ATT would have the last word in my private little war with cellular technology, I decided on one final act of rebellion; I grabbed the little black flip phone by both ends and just as I was about to rip and tear, I heard that voice once again over my shoulder, "You know if you do that you will have to replace it and you'll be out a cool hundred for this one and who knows how much for the next. Just be patient. And get out of the street." Yes, cooler heads. I loosened my grip on the phone I heard that other voice out of nowhere, dark and ominous: "DO IT, DO IT NOW!!!!" and I tore the little phone in half and screamed, "LOOK AT YOU NOW, BITCH!!!!! YOU LIKE THAT?? HUH? HUH? HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!" And I dodged victoriously out of the way of traffic and to the station.

As my elevated pressure returned to more suitable atmospheric conditions I stopped laughing long enough to realize just how much 6 little pieces of rice and crab cost me…..

And what are you having for lunch?

Tommy.