The Night of It All Happened Before 9AM

The alarm snapped to attention happy to be useful. The cheery sounds of the morning jock on the classical station mellifluously filled the silence with announcements I was too comatose to decipher. I reached for the off button and rolled out of bed onto the floor in a tangle of blankets and previously sleeping, currently alarmed feline. It was the usual beginning to another work day. 4:59, awake and standing at the window wondering where I had gone wrong on my quest for a job that didn't require waking up at any particular time.

In the shower there's nothing more exhilarating than water the temperature of November mornings at 5AM to give the testicles a little wake up jolt. Forgot to put the coffee up, forgot to eat and forgot to leave on time. Traffic, never seeming to be anything less than an orgy of metal and plastic, piled in front of us and made short work of being early. We decided to take the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel because it's quicker than sticking to the roads and proceeded to make yet another mistake. We raced into the tube and promptly came to a halt.

THOUGHT: You know that feeling you get when you swallow too much food and when you finally take a drink to wash it down it feels like a clenched fist shoving it's way though your esophagus?

We didn't find out until the other end of the tunnel that there were two closed lanes because of construction. Predictably, we arrived late to the first appointment. I got to Big Mike's ten minutes late to find he didn't get my text that I'd be ten minutes late. He's outside, warmed up and ready. He'd like to work out outside today.

TEMP: 30 degrees. Me: Jeans, t-shirt, forgot gloves, hat, scarf and armor plated underwear with special crotch-mounted heating unit.

We ran and pranced and lifted and grunted and sweated as much as two straight guys can in a courtyard in November at 7:30AM. We finished up at 8:15 which left me 15 minutes to get to my next charge who lives at least 25 minutes away in morning traffic. Looking forward to feeling my fingers and toes again I ran to the car, turned the key and heard that straining choking sound that reminds me of getting stuck somewhere in the cold with a dead battery. That's because I was stuck out in the cold with a dead battery. I reached in the glove box for my trusty AAA card to discover that we no longer employed the services of AAA because we leased a new car last year. What could happen?

TIP: Never let your AAA lapse because even though you leased a new car you still have the same old brain that occasionally does things like forgets to turn the headlights off when you disappear for an hour.

Cold, late and stranded, I did the only thing I could do: I stood in the street with one end of the jumper cables attached to the battery and the other end slung over my shoulder with my foot on the bumper, arms akimbo; the Universal Sign for Motorist In Distress. Fifteen minutes later not a single soul stopped to help. In the middle of Manhattan, not a single person bothered. So I asked a few people. Collected responses here for you review: Too busy, My boss just called me, I'm late, My battery is on the other side of the car, You look like a stalker, How do I know those are real jumper cables?

TONE SHIFT IN 3…2…1…

It was at this point, all became surreal. As I was standing there in the Universal Motorist In Distress position, I noticed a large crowd of gaping shocked onlookers looking upon me. Puzzled, I thought to check on my fly. As I began to slowly gander down to check I noticed they weren't looking at me but slightly over my left shoulder. I turned to look and found that a bald man wearing shredded jeans, a torn leather coat and a t shirt was staring at me a mere foot or two from my face. Did I mention he was covered in blood? I could see no open wounds like slash marks but he was definitely in some kind of scuffle. There was blood coming from cuts on his cheeks and nose. There was blood on his shirt and jacket. There was blood on his bald head. There was blood on his hands and wallet, which he was holding and riffling through as if he were looking for a condom. People approached and suggested he wait for the police or go to the hospital a block away. He was dazed but responsive as he shook his head "no" and staggered off down the street. Trace, in a bit of a shock said to me, "Holy Mazzola, did you see that guy?" "The guy a foot from my face covered in blood and tattered clothing? No, hadn't noticed." I replied. The crowd followed the unfortunate soul down the street leaving me to my frozen nuts and rigid cables.

Finally, to my great relief, one of the building staff where I was came out and said, "Hey, what happened?" I said that I must have left the lights on and the battery was dead. "No," he said, "I mean with that guy?" I blinked. "What guy?"

We were connecting the cables to his car when the block erupted into a cheesy 70's cop show. No less than three squad cars, sirens-a-blarin' came up the street the wrong way and fishtailed to a stop. The cops hit the street, ready for action. I told them the guy they were looking for was about three blocks away by now. The twitchy officer holding his holster was looking around for a suspect that was no longer. I yelled over, "The guy you're looking for is about three blocks away, you can't miss him." "What did he look like?" "Bald, white, leather jacket, denim jeans. Oh and he's probably the only guy walking down the street covered in blood." Just as quickly, they tore back up the street in reverse, fishtailed forward and sped off, late-coming ambulance right behind.

After a quick charge, the car started and we were almost on our way. The door man came out and asked, "Hey, man, what happened"? "Oh, I must have left the lights on and the battery died." "No, I mean with that guy?" I blinked. "What guy?"

The rest of the morning was full of traffic, missed appointments, double parking and a gas gauge teetering just below "E". On the FDR Drive, southbound toward Brooklyn and home, the car coughed and sputtered. We looked at each other, brows a-raised…

All this before the hour of 9AM……