The Night Of The Day We Got Thrown Out Of Church

PROLOGUE:

Are you one of those people who wishes they had a camera built into their head so you never miss those one-in-a-zillion shots? I happen to be one of those. I learned after missing sunsets, cloudbursts and one instance of two girls making out in Times Square to always have my camera handy. Now I am always ready for what Fate throws at me, photographically speaking. I mean, if Fate decided to send those two amorous girls my way I'd have to be well stocked of chocolate pudding and condoms but I have only so many pockets.

We were walking up Broadway in the Village the other day passing Grace Church, a beautiful turn-o-the-century gothic number that I would love to move into as a primary residence. The only problem with that is it's still a church. It's spooky, awesome, inspiring and grand all in one breath. As always, I snap a few shots so that when I'm rich and famous I can show the architect what kind of house I want built. Take a look for yourselves here http://www.gracechurchnyc.org/toura.htm As I was snapping away Trace noticed a sign that read:

BACH AT NOON

(which I initially took to mean they were at a late breakfast)

 

 

Daily Organ Meditations

Tuesday through Friday from 12:30 to 12:45 o'clock

Tuesday September 9 2008

through

Friday May 22 2009

featuring

The Organ Works of Johann Sebastian Bach

Grace Church is open for meditation beginning at

noon on the days of these offerings. The organ

programs are offered informally as part of this

opportunity for reflection at the middle of the day.

 

 

CURRENT TIME: 12:17. Groovy. After making sure there was no cover charge we stepped into the massive old structure and strode slowly down the center aisle. As you can see by the pictures, it is a huge space and it had that church smell to it which always reminds me of silence and meditation, and getting smacked by the nuns in Catholic school. We sat ourselves off to the left and begin to notice other people seated around us, all silent and contemplative. Some were even praying. Here were locals deep in communion as a well as a few tourists respectfully looking around.

 

Suddenly the massive room was filled with the thunder of pipes as Bach began to play. I mean, it wasn't actually Bach, I think he's dead. It seemed to be prerecorded and coming from everywhere. We were struck with how beautiful everything was; the sound, the smell, the stained glass windows and the vaults and arches and buttresses. Totally stunning. I need to get a few pictures because this is just too cool.

 

OBSTACLE: My little camera has a setting where you can assign sounds to the various functions. For instance, the snapping of the shutter can be made to sound like, well, the snapping of the shutter. There are also other sounds that I happen to favor that are a little unexpected. Because I like a little whimsy in my life, I have set every function to a sound; the power on, focus, shutter, download, setting adjustments, everything. My camera does not go "click, zzzzzt" like your camera, it goes, in particular order, "SPROING, SPLOOP, FIZZOOO, BLIP, BOIIIIIIIIOOOOIIIOOIIONG, POP, AHUGAHHHH, SPLIP, A SPACESHIP TAKING OFF SOUND, RIBBET-RIBBET, and MOOOO". All at high volume.

 

Trace saw that I produced the camera and she pointed to a few things, "Get that and that and that", said she. I'm snapping away while Bach is shaking the mortar to powder. I shot the stained glass and the organ pipes and even a few of Trace looking sufficiently humbled. I was crazily snapping shot after shot of the ancient structure and the music only fueled my frenzy. I was The Phantom of the Casio 8.1 Megapixel. People were looking but were unsure of what I was doing because I am a Stealth Machine. I shot under my arm, over my shoulder, from down low in my lap. I got the ceiling, the vaults, the cracked plaster and the wood work. I got the old corner stones that were dated from 1912 and the giant wooden pulpit. I turn for a moment and see Tray wide eyed and pinpoint pupiled and suddenly I'm pulled back to reality; the organ music had stopped some time ago and the only sound filling the massive silent space was, "SPROING, SPLOOP, FIZZOOO, BLIP, BOIIIIIIIIOOOOIIIOOIIONG, POP, AHUGAHHHH, SPLIP, A SPACESHIP TAKING OFF SOUND, RIBBET-RIBBET, and MOOOO". All at high volume.

 

It was then that I noticed the worshippers and tourists looking at us like a pack of brain-hungry Zombies alerted to our presence. It was silent. Dead silent. We looked at them. They looked at us. There was no motion, no sound, only the occasional groan of old settling building. My hand tensed, RIBBET-RIBBET. I turned to Trace who seethed between clenched teeth, "We. Must. Get. Out. Of here." and we slowly stood and made for the aisle and the massive front doors that led to freedom and safety. I attempted to shut the camera by blindly hitting any button until I found the off switch. "SPROING, SPLOOP, FIZZOOO, BLIP, BOIIIIIIIIOOOOIIIOOIIONG, POP, AHUGAHHHH, SPLIP, A SPACESHIP TAKING OFF SOUND, RIBBET-RIBBET, and MOOOO". All at high volume.

 

We barely escaped with our lives…