What could be more relaxing than a nap on the cool evening sand? Especially after a bonfire and a little wine and a snogging snuggle next to someone. Yes indeed, the stuff of great modern literature.
*cough*
I hate the beach. I hate the hot sand under my feet. I hate it when sand gets in your shorts and tries to grind your package down by sandblasting it with every step you take. I hate stepping on sharp clam shells when you try to cool your dogs off in the water. I hate everything about it. But every once in a while it beats sitting on a bench in a park in a filthy city.
There too, is the lure of a relaxing nap snoring to the sound of the crashing surf. Ah, the crashing surf.
TIP: Romantic notions are for idiots. Bonfires and wine and soft curvy girls falling asleep naked next to you in the sand happen only in the movies and cheesy pulp novels. Reality is much more like a cheese grater to the nards. Falling asleep on the beach in the mid afternoon sun leads to nothing but blisters, pain, young children pointing at you shrieking as their parents cover their eyes in horror, that sizzling sound reminiscent of grilling meats and the smell of burning flesh. Stick to your freaking park bench and don’t listen to your old lady’s suggestions.
Don’t ask me how I know.
12 comments:
I wanna know how you know about th whole cheese-gratr-to-th-nards thing.
that's what I was referring to when I said don't ask me how I know...
Also hate the beach, it's boring
dude..
i wish i could show you one day at the beach MY way.
you would never step on calm shells, nor would you have to worry about sand in inappropriate places, [ cause no one wears a bathing suit where I go ]. and that's pretty much around the world on beaches that I have been to . WHY would anyone WANT to ?..
Trade winds run over ones body like soft wet silk on a hot summers day, The scent of the morning air and the sea after sleeping on a tropical beach as one arises from a canopy of stars so bright that one has to almost cover ones eyes.
The fragrence of tropical flowers competes with the morning air as the sun begins to cross over the endless fragrent blossoms.
Ive remember sitting under a mango tress about 300 feet from the beach, where I ran naked from my campsite to sit under it as the birds pick at the mangos and then they fall to the earth and that's my breakfast.
I cant remember the last time I saw a woman on the beach with a BATHING SUIT!. that's so . . well..... 1950’s.
even in California there is a HUGE selection of clothing optional beaches . BUT California beaches are cold and damp at night so all beaches aren’t the same.
and WHO in their right mind [ if they are just wanting to relax and find their inner self goes to a BEACH with CHILDREN?? that would ruin ANYONES day.
I REALLY wish I had enough money that I could send you and your wife to the south pacific. for a month . JUST for you to experience it. NO STRINGS ATTACHED. Even tho we d NEVER meet. . i would just DO it . .
there is SAND so WHITE that it is like the consistency of FLOUR. it drops off in to a sapphire sea surrounded by a coral reef. the cloud patterns that form is like a colossal atmospheric theatrical production { in ancient Polynesia they had a group of people that were “ cloud readers” [ kilakilas] more powerful than the “ kahunas”. they predicted the pattern of the day for the alli’s [ royals] as the clouds created THIER patterns ...
There is nothing more wonderful that looking at a deep blue sky and see a single frigate bird flying overhead, as ones body stretches naked on a beach in the morning air, and if the time is right , you can see the FULL MOON fade away in to the quite sea in the early morning hours as its last rays flicker and litter the morning sea soon to be out done by golden sunlight.
one doesn’t “ blister” if caution is taken. and sandals are worn when the sand gets to hot. ..
then there is ALWAYS the beach chair. at the edge of the sand where it meets the ocean [ one has to “ relax” after a good nights sleep before breakfast].. Visually,there is NO one to the right nor the left of you for about 2 miles . maybe a quite stacatto of coconut palms ,,,,. and straight in front of you , .. well the NEXT port of call can be as far as 5000 miles away.
after a breakfast of mangos [ thanks ot the pesky and impatient birds] and maybe some sticky rice. a quick shower under a freezing waterfall ,[ now THAT will put a dent in your "manberries"] then saunter to the shade of a leahua tree and a small cigar post breakfast is total heaven ..
NO kids
NO sand in appropriate places
NO clam shells
NO radios
NO noise
NO anything
NO YOU ..[ just your spirit]. cause thats what you have been reduced to .
YOUR SPIRIT.
ONE thing I have found out for sure.
there is NO place on EARTH like the WORLD and its FILLED with places JUST LIKE THAT . I bet even in your neck of the woods. ….. dude.... There are diamonds in your OWN backyard.
Holy Cow, now that's a beach. Where do I sign up?
Silly Tomski!
That beach is on Fantasy Island.
That beach is on Fantasy Island.
.. sorry Mr. polanski. i LIVED on that beach for 3 months, a year for several different years,
IT s a hike in from a jungle trail past a waterfall called " hanakaipii, then through the valley of O'wiahuaakua, then milolili, then finally through a valley called nua'lolokai..
strange words huh?
Yet the spirit of this ancient culture permeates all around .
AS it does in most remote parts of the world that STILL have very little history of footprints from the white man .
When one enters that sacred spot to set up a living area that I described after a 14 mile hike with a 70 pound pack on ones back , hiking along a switchback trail that goes from sea level to 1000 feet then sea level again, they pass through a temple ruin [ heiau] that was created by a tribe long before the valley was called KALALAU, where waterfalls drape over emerald cliffs with freezing mountain water racing out of gorges from a mountain range that looks as sharp as a razor where waters from a swamp called the " alikai swamp" high above the beach, and that swamp [ 1000 feet above sea level] is a hour and a half hike up a near straight jungle draped mountain where one goes through 2 microclimates in this canopy, and is where i used to hunt wild bore, and goats[ the remnants of the white man which have gone wild] with a bow and arrow
eat ginger blossoms, wild apples, assorted jungle fruit and vegetables.
Yet.. .
That was one of the more " rugged" beaches. of the south pacific.
there are thousands of them out there on differnt islands in the “ring of fire” as its called from Polynesia Melanesia and Micronesia that are hardly even heard of by contemporary society that is still run by tribal chieftains and one has to have permission to GO on such an island.
I have been on some of those islands also over my trek through the south pacific.
AS one willy Shakespeare once said Mr. Polanski.. “ there are MORE things in heaven and earth than dreamed of in your philosophy"
...:)
Sppose my phlosophy is that of John Locke?
He was a phlosophr, wunt ee?
I hate to say it but he truly does hate the beach. Ive been all over with our favorite actor and his little misses. From lounging on the sand at the New Jersey shore all the way west to snorkling and diving the scenic islands of Hawaii and aside from the initial OOHS and AAHS he wasnt then nor is he now a beach lover. Although his dislike to the beach could also be due to a mental issue stemming from him and Trage fighting about her refusing to due a naked photo shoot on the rocks on a secluded beach in Maui. Thats just my opinion.
John Locke mr Polanski?..
totally cool dude!!!
So sleeping on the beach for redheads can only be done at night. Never do it during the day. My sister & I got sunburned in Ireland. Yes I said Ireland, when it was an unusual warm summer day we fall asleep on the beach after backpacking forever. We woke up as lobsters. It was not fun.
welcome back johnny style
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